FryingFish

"Curiouser and curiouser!” Cried Alice Joe for when he cycled home last night, there was neither housemate, nor housematess to be seen, and they did not make any appearance. However there, in the drive, surmounted upon the gravel, preventing the customary skid to be undertaken by anyone who has brakes that work, lay a new thing. All shiny and silver it was, and Hyundai Atoz by name proclaiming itself to be (if I drove it that might make me "Atozzer"). A car... but no housemateses. The car keys posted through the door were, though not addressed to myself, I admit, a great temptation - cruising in the Fens! Grantchester, burning past Geoffrey Archer, then to Trumpington, and on round, circling Cambridge in delirium... It could have been. But I showed incredible strength of character and resisted.

Instead I ate smoked mackerel on toast (not just one but 3), which I'm sure must also have been profligately consumed by King Henry VIII and as such is worthy of the title of a King Amongst Foods. Rich in Omega 3 too, so I won't need any of that fishy-milk.

This constituted a revenge upon the fish population of the world, as I had been cheated by their almost unbelievable cunning earlier in the week: pretending to have become trapped in the pond beneath the ice for over a week they cried insincere fish-tears, and begged for deliverance from their anoxic envirmonment. The note left by Mad Old Woman (landlady) talked a lot about fish husbandry; making, clarifying and reiterating the actions to be undertaken in any situation, conceivable or otherwise, and it mentioned that should the pond become so frozen, that breaking the ice was to be strictly avoided as it caused the fish to suffer 'heart attacks'. Aww. The empiricist, the anarchist and the madman within me all combined, wishing to test this using first the sickle and then the pick-axe... and then maybe the wrought iron garden chairs. (Here is an artists impression of what it may have looked like).

However, 'Good' Dr Joe won through by a small majority and followed the instructions set out, involving saucepans of hot water. It took about an hour of combined kettle-and-hob action to get through the 2 inch thick ice using hot water to create a large enough hole for koi carps in abundance for be liberated. Hurrah! I thereupon took the title "Dr Joe, Captain of Koi Carp Manumission". However my vanity was shortlived - as that night, the increase in ambient temperature lead to all of the ice in both ponds completely melting. My efforts had been a waste! And, although I cannot prove it, I am sure that the fish knew that this would happen and conned me into unnecessary action. I am unsure as to why they did this, maybe it was a trap gone wrong, or the other fish were trying to break in the front door and steal the stereo while I was occupied, or just a test of my malleability in preparation for a grander and darker scheme.

So to teach them a lesson I ate 3 of their fishy friends! Revenge was mine. Even though they did not directly witness it, partly because they are in the pond, and I was in the kitchen, and also because it was at night time, and consequently dark, I know that they knew! I doubt that they'll try any such thing again, and if they do, I'll be ready and waiting... with a pick-axe.

If I eat them, then Landlady Woman will never know.